Am I Missing Something?

I haven't blogged in quite a while but I've felt the need to vent about something lately. 

Am I missing something?  That's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately.  Where I'm live there isn't a deep pool of gay men.  It's more like a kiddie pool (shallow and gets peed in frequently).  The guys here seem to not want to, or maybe not have the capacity to, grow up. With that said, they want to be loved, we all do but is the way they go about it the right way?  Is there a right way?  It seems to me they've all dated each other and are on again off again friends, especially when they switch from one friend to the other.  How is it that they can go from 'loving' someone so deeply one week to being in love with someone different the next week.
I've witnessed a long term relationship end and two weeks later one of the men was already dating someone else and expressing their love on Facebook.  Maybe they were in love, who am I to say they weren't, but it took about a month (two at most) for this relationship to end as well.  A week or two later the guy is dating someone else already and talking about how happy they are on Facebook.  Again, maybe they are happy.  I'm not an expert on love, obviously, or I'd probably still be in one of my past relationships or even committing to one of the potential suitors I have now.
Maybe I'm too careful with my heart.  Maybe I don't trust easily.  Maybe I'm cynical.  I just can't fathom telling someone I'm in love with them within a week or two of being together.  Even if I've known the person as a friend before they became more.  I don't understand how people can flit from one relationship to the next and seemingly not be effected by it.  The people they were with sure seem to be effected.  Maybe this guy feels a need to be taken care of, who knows.  Maybe he's really in love with all of these men and falls out of love just as quickly.  I guess I'm not the one to answer these questions and I just continue to wonder, "Am I missing something?"

I don't know you.

Why am I still so wrapped up in you?
It has to stop.  You don't define my worth as a person.
I define me.  I was fine before you showed up and I'll be fine when you, inevitably, leave the picture.
You play mind games.
You won't let me know you.
You do things like we're still together.
Rationally, I know we're not.
Every time we're apart I realize all these things.
When we're together I forget it all again.
I let you make me blind.
So keep pretending I don't know you.  I know more than you think.

I should not want a drink this much.  I'm trying not to drink for a while and I could really use a drink to help me out with this task. lol

Haunting

I'm constantly clinging to the ghost of our relationship.  Knowing that you never were really mine.  Knowing that the talk I need for me to get closure will never come because you shut down when it gets remotely close.  Yet the ghost still haunts me...day and night...breath to breath...

Confused

Constantly confused
Not together
Close
Your terms
Too long touches
Head on chest
Gotta go
For what
Someone else
Not me
Never
Look at me
Love me
Leave me
Let me be lonely

Torch

I miss your smell and your style and your pure abiding way

Miss your approach to life and your body in my bed

Miss your take on anything and the music you would play

Miss cracking up and wrestling our debriefs at end of day

These are things that I miss

These are not times for the weak of heart

These are the days of raw despondence

And I never dreamed I would have

To lay down my torch for you like this

I miss your neck and your gait and your sharing what you write

Miss you walking through the front door documentaries in your hand

Miss traveling our traveling and your fun and charming friends

Miss our Big Sur getaways and to watch you love my dogs

These are things that I miss

These are not times for the weak of heart

These are the days of raw despondence

And I never dreamed I would have

To lay down my torch for you like this

One step one prayer I soldier on

Simulating moving on

I miss your warmth and the thought of us bringing up our kids

And the part of you that walks with your stick-tied handkerchief

These are things that I miss

These are not times for the weak of heart

These are the days of raw despondence

And I never dreamed I would have

To lay down my torch for you like this

it's not you i miss,
it's the promise that you held.
the idea of that future.

A last kiss
The taste of forgotten passion
Thoughts of when we were new

Love? First Love?

i remember vividly
the feeling when lights went out
shirts and pants came off
covers came up over underwear and skin

laying silently beside him
music soft
first love - not knowing

slowing inching closer
quietly
as if neither knew

until
skin touches skin
leg touches leg
frozen
scared

go on?
hoping he will
knowing you would

inching closer
chest to back
warm
soft
love? first love?

is this the feeling?
fumbling
unsure
where to put the hands?

anywhere

timid touch turning to passion
love? first love?
mine?
his?

love YOU more

where did you put our love?
Ever present in my mind
never present in yours?

not remembering when 'we' became 'me'
not knowing where it stopped
when it changed...

did it change or did you?
where's that 'i miss you' now?
that 'love YOU more'?

where is that love?
buried in the ground?
somewhere i can find?
broken?
bruised?

can i find it?
fix it?
nurse it?
heal it?

or have you put it away?
hidden where not even you can find?
hidden and removed from mind

Mistaken

I was mistaken but it wasn't a mistake
At least that's what I'm telling myself
I thought you were my end of the road
I thought you were my last stop
Now I'm just confused all the time

What were we?
What are we?
What will we be?

Worth

I have to stop pinning my self worth on other people. I have to make myself feel worthy and know that I am. I have to be my best friend because no one will ever know me inside and out like I know me.

in Between

it's the in between that's the hardest.
do I wait for you?
do I look for someone else?
what if someone else finds me?
what if someone else falls for me?
what do I tell them?
"I'm in between."?

Waiting
Sitting
Thinking
all over the in between.

You're not waiting.
You don't seem in between.
You seem out there...
looking
finding
doing.

I don't have to stay in between
but is it what I WANT to do?
Is it?
Do I love you that much?
Do you know what love is?
and if you do why are you so scared of it?

figure things out.
don't get distracted.
I'll try to give you space
even though space is tight here...
In Between...

Change

I can't change a lot of things about myself but I can accept them as part of me and surround myself with people who are just as accepting. I will change the way I love myself but I won't change the way I love you.

Thinking

I let things get to me too much. I over think almost everything. I need to let go and just let what's going to happen happen. Because I think too much I talk to much about the same things over and over. Learning to pick my battles, so to speak, would come in handy. I cause unnecessary drama in my relationships. I was once asked by a boyfriend if I could talk more and open up and I never thought if get to that point but here I am with and new guy and now all I do is talk and share and I worry now that this will scare him away. Once he knows everything about me. Once he sees me for what I am will he leave or will he stay? Until then I'll try to relax and take things as they come. If that's possible for me without meds.

Mind Reading

I need to always keep in mind that my friends and loved ones aren't mind readers. If I want them to know what's going on in my have I have to speak it. I have to just say it out loud or write it out so they know. It's not their job to pry it out of me.

Happy?

Seems like even when I'm 'happy' I'm not happy.  It's almost like I don't want to let myself be happy.  Like I want to find some terrible truth out about the man I'm with so I get hurt now instead of later.  I have to stop worrying so much and understand that what will happen will happen and there's nothing I can do to change it.

Passive

I give up.  I can no longer try to pull conversation out of someone who obviously doesn't want to talk, at least not to me.

Attention Whore

The amount of attention I need sometimes is unfortunate for the people I date...

Healthy Living

Must stop talking about being healthier and BE healthier.