Torch

I miss your smell and your style and your pure abiding way

Miss your approach to life and your body in my bed

Miss your take on anything and the music you would play

Miss cracking up and wrestling our debriefs at end of day

These are things that I miss

These are not times for the weak of heart

These are the days of raw despondence

And I never dreamed I would have

To lay down my torch for you like this

I miss your neck and your gait and your sharing what you write

Miss you walking through the front door documentaries in your hand

Miss traveling our traveling and your fun and charming friends

Miss our Big Sur getaways and to watch you love my dogs

These are things that I miss

These are not times for the weak of heart

These are the days of raw despondence

And I never dreamed I would have

To lay down my torch for you like this

One step one prayer I soldier on

Simulating moving on

I miss your warmth and the thought of us bringing up our kids

And the part of you that walks with your stick-tied handkerchief

These are things that I miss

These are not times for the weak of heart

These are the days of raw despondence

And I never dreamed I would have

To lay down my torch for you like this

it's not you i miss,
it's the promise that you held.
the idea of that future.

A last kiss
The taste of forgotten passion
Thoughts of when we were new

Love? First Love?

i remember vividly
the feeling when lights went out
shirts and pants came off
covers came up over underwear and skin

laying silently beside him
music soft
first love - not knowing

slowing inching closer
quietly
as if neither knew

until
skin touches skin
leg touches leg
frozen
scared

go on?
hoping he will
knowing you would

inching closer
chest to back
warm
soft
love? first love?

is this the feeling?
fumbling
unsure
where to put the hands?

anywhere

timid touch turning to passion
love? first love?
mine?
his?

love YOU more

where did you put our love?
Ever present in my mind
never present in yours?

not remembering when 'we' became 'me'
not knowing where it stopped
when it changed...

did it change or did you?
where's that 'i miss you' now?
that 'love YOU more'?

where is that love?
buried in the ground?
somewhere i can find?
broken?
bruised?

can i find it?
fix it?
nurse it?
heal it?

or have you put it away?
hidden where not even you can find?
hidden and removed from mind

Mistaken

I was mistaken but it wasn't a mistake
At least that's what I'm telling myself
I thought you were my end of the road
I thought you were my last stop
Now I'm just confused all the time

What were we?
What are we?
What will we be?

Worth

I have to stop pinning my self worth on other people. I have to make myself feel worthy and know that I am. I have to be my best friend because no one will ever know me inside and out like I know me.