2011

This year has been an extremely reflective year. Making decisions about what and who I want in my life. Making connections with people I wasn't sure I'd be able to make again. It's been an amazing year for travel and relationships and I even got to throw some theatre back in the mix. I'm a lucky guy and no matter where things end up in 2012 it's starting out pretty great.

Deleted

Well, I've done it.  After going back and forth about whether or not to keep my online profiles for the 'dating' sites, I've decided to go ahead and get rid of them.  If I'm going to find a relationship it's not going to be on those sites.  It will happen when it happens and I'm OK with that.  I think....I hope... :-)

Marriage for me?

  I'm not sure if I've written about this on the blog but I thought I'd rant a bit about my feeling on marriage.  I had never really thought of getting married until the past couple years and I'm 31 years old.  Growing up, the thought of marriage never came into my head because, growing up, I always knew I was different.  I never saw myself standing at the end of an aisle waiting for a pretty lady in a dress to meet me for an exchange of vows.  As I got older and understood more about why I never wanted that it became clear that many others seemed to be against me getting married at all.  So, as I started dating, I never thought about calling anyone more than boyfriend because it never seemed like an option to me.  I never had role models of gay marriage to look at and think, 'yes, that's what I want."  I was close once, to understanding why people would want to get married, but I was so shut off to the idea that I played a large part in the demise of that relationship.

   I'm constantly worried that I'll do what many of my peers do and let myself fall into everything too quickly and not be able to see things as they really are.  I see guys start dating, a week later they have told each other they love each other and just a few short weeks later it's time to move in and they are calling each other husband.  I don't want to say that what they have isn't real but it doesn't seem, to me at least, that it could be anything that would be lasting.

  I want a courtship that doesn't involve meeting on Facebook, Grindr or internet dating sites.  I want dinner and dates.  I want to woo and be woo'd.  I want to take things slow and become not just lovers but friends.  I want all of our firsts to be special, first kiss, first time we say I love you, first time we...  I want to know it's right when we decide to get a place together and I want to be the man who WANTS to propose.  I WANT a wedding where my friends come and stand beside me and his with him.  I want to join families with someone and know it's right and I want to have children with a man that I love and watch them grow up to be amazing people and marry the person they love.

  The reason I started writing this is because I was on a blog and saw these pictures.  I starting thinking, "YES, I WANT TO BE MARRIED!  I WANT A RELATIONSHIP LIKE NEAL AND DAVID!"  Or I at least want a relationship that's like how theirs seems.  They seem very loving and supportive and they gush about their children.  Even if hard times come, if support and humor exist, marriage can survive.  No we've just gotta get some pesky laws changed...

Appreciation

I've been thinking the past couple days about my past/future relationship(s).  I wanted to text or email or message someone and let me them know that I was sorry for not appreciating them enough when we were together.  With time, a relationship can become comfortable.  Sometimes too comfortable and you forget to value the things that your partner does, things that you used to cherish and be extremely grateful for, you eventually come to expect and it becomes routine.  I'm never thankful enough, not ever.  I've been working on it.  My parents taught me to say thank you for everything people do but somewhere along the way I got it in my head that if I said thank you it wasn't enough or that I was only saying it because I had to and in that way it lost it's meaning for me.  So now I want to say how much I appreciate the man you were and the man you became while we were together.  I'd also like to say how much I appreciate you accepting me for the man I was and the man I became over the years.  It's hard to move on, not because I don't think it's time but because it seems difficult and almost unreasonable for me to expect to find someone who will make me as thankful as I was/am for you.

When I'm With Him

First date was going just fine.  Sweet guy.  Then, he starting singing Thinking Of You by Katy Perry and then I wasn't thinking about him anymore at all...

 Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed

You said move on, where do I go?
I guess second best is all I will know

'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian Summer in the middle of winter
Like a hard candy with a surprise center
How do I get better once I've had the best?
You said there's tons of fish in the water, so the waters I will test

He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth, oh!
(Taste your mouth)
He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself

'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into

You're the best, and yes, I do regret
How I could let myself let you go
Now, now the lesson's learned
I touched it, I was burned
Oh, I think you should know!

'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your, your eyes
Looking into your eyes, looking into your eyes

Oh, won't you walk through?
And bust in the door and take me away?
Oh, no more mistakes
'Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay, stay

Relationship Status

It seems like every time I'm in a relationship I think to myself, "Was my last relationship really love?", because I can't imagine that I loved the previous person more than the current.  I don't know if that's all in my head or if it's because I continue to make better choices for myself.  If my next relationship comes with a more intense love than the last then there's no way it won't be my last relationship.

Ignorance isn't bliss. It's ignorance.

Hopefully the picture can be seen....
Just so this person knows, our parents raised us to be successful, independent, kind, non-judgemental people and it seems to me we turned out exactly that way.  Now what I wonder is how your parents raised you.  It couldn't have been to judge people.  I didn't put your name on this because you were obviously either ashamed or regretful that you posted your hateful comments under the guise of Christianity.  Maybe you were worried that your sister, who has spoken to my brother about this issue, would see it and disapprove.  For whatever reason, I have your comments saved for posterity just so, in case asked, people will know exactly what you thought and the actions you would have taken....that picture is unedited of course.