Am I Missing Something?

I haven't blogged in quite a while but I've felt the need to vent about something lately. 

Am I missing something?  That's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately.  Where I'm live there isn't a deep pool of gay men.  It's more like a kiddie pool (shallow and gets peed in frequently).  The guys here seem to not want to, or maybe not have the capacity to, grow up. With that said, they want to be loved, we all do but is the way they go about it the right way?  Is there a right way?  It seems to me they've all dated each other and are on again off again friends, especially when they switch from one friend to the other.  How is it that they can go from 'loving' someone so deeply one week to being in love with someone different the next week.
I've witnessed a long term relationship end and two weeks later one of the men was already dating someone else and expressing their love on Facebook.  Maybe they were in love, who am I to say they weren't, but it took about a month (two at most) for this relationship to end as well.  A week or two later the guy is dating someone else already and talking about how happy they are on Facebook.  Again, maybe they are happy.  I'm not an expert on love, obviously, or I'd probably still be in one of my past relationships or even committing to one of the potential suitors I have now.
Maybe I'm too careful with my heart.  Maybe I don't trust easily.  Maybe I'm cynical.  I just can't fathom telling someone I'm in love with them within a week or two of being together.  Even if I've known the person as a friend before they became more.  I don't understand how people can flit from one relationship to the next and seemingly not be effected by it.  The people they were with sure seem to be effected.  Maybe this guy feels a need to be taken care of, who knows.  Maybe he's really in love with all of these men and falls out of love just as quickly.  I guess I'm not the one to answer these questions and I just continue to wonder, "Am I missing something?"

I don't know you.

Why am I still so wrapped up in you?
It has to stop.  You don't define my worth as a person.
I define me.  I was fine before you showed up and I'll be fine when you, inevitably, leave the picture.
You play mind games.
You won't let me know you.
You do things like we're still together.
Rationally, I know we're not.
Every time we're apart I realize all these things.
When we're together I forget it all again.
I let you make me blind.
So keep pretending I don't know you.  I know more than you think.

I should not want a drink this much.  I'm trying not to drink for a while and I could really use a drink to help me out with this task. lol

Haunting

I'm constantly clinging to the ghost of our relationship.  Knowing that you never were really mine.  Knowing that the talk I need for me to get closure will never come because you shut down when it gets remotely close.  Yet the ghost still haunts me...day and night...breath to breath...

Confused

Constantly confused
Not together
Close
Your terms
Too long touches
Head on chest
Gotta go
For what
Someone else
Not me
Never
Look at me
Love me
Leave me
Let me be lonely

Torch

I miss your smell and your style and your pure abiding way

Miss your approach to life and your body in my bed

Miss your take on anything and the music you would play

Miss cracking up and wrestling our debriefs at end of day

These are things that I miss

These are not times for the weak of heart

These are the days of raw despondence

And I never dreamed I would have

To lay down my torch for you like this

I miss your neck and your gait and your sharing what you write

Miss you walking through the front door documentaries in your hand

Miss traveling our traveling and your fun and charming friends

Miss our Big Sur getaways and to watch you love my dogs

These are things that I miss

These are not times for the weak of heart

These are the days of raw despondence

And I never dreamed I would have

To lay down my torch for you like this

One step one prayer I soldier on

Simulating moving on

I miss your warmth and the thought of us bringing up our kids

And the part of you that walks with your stick-tied handkerchief

These are things that I miss

These are not times for the weak of heart

These are the days of raw despondence

And I never dreamed I would have

To lay down my torch for you like this

it's not you i miss,
it's the promise that you held.
the idea of that future.