2011

This year has been an extremely reflective year. Making decisions about what and who I want in my life. Making connections with people I wasn't sure I'd be able to make again. It's been an amazing year for travel and relationships and I even got to throw some theatre back in the mix. I'm a lucky guy and no matter where things end up in 2012 it's starting out pretty great.

Deleted

Well, I've done it.  After going back and forth about whether or not to keep my online profiles for the 'dating' sites, I've decided to go ahead and get rid of them.  If I'm going to find a relationship it's not going to be on those sites.  It will happen when it happens and I'm OK with that.  I think....I hope... :-)

Marriage for me?

  I'm not sure if I've written about this on the blog but I thought I'd rant a bit about my feeling on marriage.  I had never really thought of getting married until the past couple years and I'm 31 years old.  Growing up, the thought of marriage never came into my head because, growing up, I always knew I was different.  I never saw myself standing at the end of an aisle waiting for a pretty lady in a dress to meet me for an exchange of vows.  As I got older and understood more about why I never wanted that it became clear that many others seemed to be against me getting married at all.  So, as I started dating, I never thought about calling anyone more than boyfriend because it never seemed like an option to me.  I never had role models of gay marriage to look at and think, 'yes, that's what I want."  I was close once, to understanding why people would want to get married, but I was so shut off to the idea that I played a large part in the demise of that relationship.

   I'm constantly worried that I'll do what many of my peers do and let myself fall into everything too quickly and not be able to see things as they really are.  I see guys start dating, a week later they have told each other they love each other and just a few short weeks later it's time to move in and they are calling each other husband.  I don't want to say that what they have isn't real but it doesn't seem, to me at least, that it could be anything that would be lasting.

  I want a courtship that doesn't involve meeting on Facebook, Grindr or internet dating sites.  I want dinner and dates.  I want to woo and be woo'd.  I want to take things slow and become not just lovers but friends.  I want all of our firsts to be special, first kiss, first time we say I love you, first time we...  I want to know it's right when we decide to get a place together and I want to be the man who WANTS to propose.  I WANT a wedding where my friends come and stand beside me and his with him.  I want to join families with someone and know it's right and I want to have children with a man that I love and watch them grow up to be amazing people and marry the person they love.

  The reason I started writing this is because I was on a blog and saw these pictures.  I starting thinking, "YES, I WANT TO BE MARRIED!  I WANT A RELATIONSHIP LIKE NEAL AND DAVID!"  Or I at least want a relationship that's like how theirs seems.  They seem very loving and supportive and they gush about their children.  Even if hard times come, if support and humor exist, marriage can survive.  No we've just gotta get some pesky laws changed...

Appreciation

I've been thinking the past couple days about my past/future relationship(s).  I wanted to text or email or message someone and let me them know that I was sorry for not appreciating them enough when we were together.  With time, a relationship can become comfortable.  Sometimes too comfortable and you forget to value the things that your partner does, things that you used to cherish and be extremely grateful for, you eventually come to expect and it becomes routine.  I'm never thankful enough, not ever.  I've been working on it.  My parents taught me to say thank you for everything people do but somewhere along the way I got it in my head that if I said thank you it wasn't enough or that I was only saying it because I had to and in that way it lost it's meaning for me.  So now I want to say how much I appreciate the man you were and the man you became while we were together.  I'd also like to say how much I appreciate you accepting me for the man I was and the man I became over the years.  It's hard to move on, not because I don't think it's time but because it seems difficult and almost unreasonable for me to expect to find someone who will make me as thankful as I was/am for you.