Walls

I found a quote yesterday and I haven't been able to get it out of my head...

"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy." - Jim Rohn

I've built major walls because of fear. I've always built walls in one way or another. When I was younger I built walls so people wouldn't know who I really was because I was afraid if they found out they wouldn't stick around. I tore down some of those walls but then I started getting into relationships and started building more walls. I started changing myself because I was afraid if I wasn't who someone wanted me to be they would leave, never thinking that the person I am is why they were with me in the first place. My walls have ruined relationships for me and I regret it. I found myself trying to build walls against someone recently because it was too hard to feel the way I felt when I talked to him or thought of him. You have to feel the bad to get to the good sometimes. So I'm trying to just let myself feel the way I feel, slobber cries and all, and just hope the good will come...

Buyers Remorse

Well...I just paid $300 for an iPhone 4 and instantly regretted it. lol
I'm actually a little sick from it. I decided to just go ahead and buy it and if I don't like it I can probably get what I paid out of it at least...it won't be shipped until at least the 18th so we'll just be waiting...

The future

I used to look at the future and see so many things. Love, 'marriage', maybe even kids. But now, when I look to the future it's just blank. I don't see anything...

You Can't Make Me Feel Better

I hate it when someone tries to make me feel better by saying all the things they think I'm good at. It doesn't help me and generally has no baring on why I'm upset at the time. I've been feeling...not myself lately and apparently it's been noticeable. It seems as the years go on it becomes harder and harder for me to hide my emotions...to pretend I'm OK. That doesn't mean I want someone to try and console me. It just means there are things I need to think about and sometimes I just like to wallow in my mistakes.

Sometimes we just realize things too late. It takes just about all I have these days not to send emails that I want to send so I try to just write it down and put it away. Am I afraid of the answer? Yes. Do I want to hurt what's been built back up? No.

Maybe it's just that these type of holiday's are the hardest. Who knows.

Drinking

Drinking...

Except for about 2 yrs off in my 20's I've been drinking for 10 years...
Why do I do it?
Why do any of us do it?

Escape?
Numbness?

There's a sense of powerfulness and powerlessness at the same time. The feeling that you can do anything but when you do it's not always the best decision...

Do I want to stop or do I feel like I should want to stop?
Can I be out and have a good time if I don't drink?
How do I stop when I'm always in the middle of a party or some sort of gathering?
How do I stop when I don't have the will power?

Do I want to stop?