2011

This year has been an extremely reflective year. Making decisions about what and who I want in my life. Making connections with people I wasn't sure I'd be able to make again. It's been an amazing year for travel and relationships and I even got to throw some theatre back in the mix. I'm a lucky guy and no matter where things end up in 2012 it's starting out pretty great.

Deleted

Well, I've done it.  After going back and forth about whether or not to keep my online profiles for the 'dating' sites, I've decided to go ahead and get rid of them.  If I'm going to find a relationship it's not going to be on those sites.  It will happen when it happens and I'm OK with that.  I think....I hope... :-)

Marriage for me?

  I'm not sure if I've written about this on the blog but I thought I'd rant a bit about my feeling on marriage.  I had never really thought of getting married until the past couple years and I'm 31 years old.  Growing up, the thought of marriage never came into my head because, growing up, I always knew I was different.  I never saw myself standing at the end of an aisle waiting for a pretty lady in a dress to meet me for an exchange of vows.  As I got older and understood more about why I never wanted that it became clear that many others seemed to be against me getting married at all.  So, as I started dating, I never thought about calling anyone more than boyfriend because it never seemed like an option to me.  I never had role models of gay marriage to look at and think, 'yes, that's what I want."  I was close once, to understanding why people would want to get married, but I was so shut off to the idea that I played a large part in the demise of that relationship.

   I'm constantly worried that I'll do what many of my peers do and let myself fall into everything too quickly and not be able to see things as they really are.  I see guys start dating, a week later they have told each other they love each other and just a few short weeks later it's time to move in and they are calling each other husband.  I don't want to say that what they have isn't real but it doesn't seem, to me at least, that it could be anything that would be lasting.

  I want a courtship that doesn't involve meeting on Facebook, Grindr or internet dating sites.  I want dinner and dates.  I want to woo and be woo'd.  I want to take things slow and become not just lovers but friends.  I want all of our firsts to be special, first kiss, first time we say I love you, first time we...  I want to know it's right when we decide to get a place together and I want to be the man who WANTS to propose.  I WANT a wedding where my friends come and stand beside me and his with him.  I want to join families with someone and know it's right and I want to have children with a man that I love and watch them grow up to be amazing people and marry the person they love.

  The reason I started writing this is because I was on a blog and saw these pictures.  I starting thinking, "YES, I WANT TO BE MARRIED!  I WANT A RELATIONSHIP LIKE NEAL AND DAVID!"  Or I at least want a relationship that's like how theirs seems.  They seem very loving and supportive and they gush about their children.  Even if hard times come, if support and humor exist, marriage can survive.  No we've just gotta get some pesky laws changed...

Appreciation

I've been thinking the past couple days about my past/future relationship(s).  I wanted to text or email or message someone and let me them know that I was sorry for not appreciating them enough when we were together.  With time, a relationship can become comfortable.  Sometimes too comfortable and you forget to value the things that your partner does, things that you used to cherish and be extremely grateful for, you eventually come to expect and it becomes routine.  I'm never thankful enough, not ever.  I've been working on it.  My parents taught me to say thank you for everything people do but somewhere along the way I got it in my head that if I said thank you it wasn't enough or that I was only saying it because I had to and in that way it lost it's meaning for me.  So now I want to say how much I appreciate the man you were and the man you became while we were together.  I'd also like to say how much I appreciate you accepting me for the man I was and the man I became over the years.  It's hard to move on, not because I don't think it's time but because it seems difficult and almost unreasonable for me to expect to find someone who will make me as thankful as I was/am for you.

When I'm With Him

First date was going just fine.  Sweet guy.  Then, he starting singing Thinking Of You by Katy Perry and then I wasn't thinking about him anymore at all...

 Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one, I still got the seed

You said move on, where do I go?
I guess second best is all I will know

'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian Summer in the middle of winter
Like a hard candy with a surprise center
How do I get better once I've had the best?
You said there's tons of fish in the water, so the waters I will test

He kissed my lips, I taste your mouth, oh!
(Taste your mouth)
He pulled me in, I was disgusted with myself

'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into

You're the best, and yes, I do regret
How I could let myself let you go
Now, now the lesson's learned
I touched it, I was burned
Oh, I think you should know!

'Cause when I'm with him I am thinking of you
(Thinking of you, thinking of you)
Thinking of you, what you would do
If you were the one who was spending the night
(Spending the night, spending the night)
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your, your eyes
Looking into your eyes, looking into your eyes

Oh, won't you walk through?
And bust in the door and take me away?
Oh, no more mistakes
'Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay, stay

Relationship Status

It seems like every time I'm in a relationship I think to myself, "Was my last relationship really love?", because I can't imagine that I loved the previous person more than the current.  I don't know if that's all in my head or if it's because I continue to make better choices for myself.  If my next relationship comes with a more intense love than the last then there's no way it won't be my last relationship.

Ignorance isn't bliss. It's ignorance.

Hopefully the picture can be seen....
Just so this person knows, our parents raised us to be successful, independent, kind, non-judgemental people and it seems to me we turned out exactly that way.  Now what I wonder is how your parents raised you.  It couldn't have been to judge people.  I didn't put your name on this because you were obviously either ashamed or regretful that you posted your hateful comments under the guise of Christianity.  Maybe you were worried that your sister, who has spoken to my brother about this issue, would see it and disapprove.  For whatever reason, I have your comments saved for posterity just so, in case asked, people will know exactly what you thought and the actions you would have taken....that picture is unedited of course.

Ties That Break

If you want to have a friendship with someone, there can't be only one person trying.  Eventually that person will give up...

Weighing My Options

Just ranting and getting more thoughts out of my head.  I've been in a restless mood and I feel like I've already decided (at least in my head) to move.  Now, when that would happen, I haven't a clue, but I thought I'd weigh the pro's and con's.  So here goes:

Pro's For Moving
1. Change makes things seem fresh.
2. I feel stale and stifled in Logan.
3. There will be no decent relationship for me here.
4. I'd move somewhere that was more accessible to culture...ie, shows, food, art, music.
5. I would most likely be closer to my brother.

Con's For Moving
1. My family is here.
2. I have the best job of my life.
3. Most amazing friends I've had.
4. I hate moving. lol

There's so much to think about.  So many people to think about.  Maybe I should just think about what would make me happiest and do it.  It's always a crap shoot though.  Maybe I'll just rearrange my bedroom. :-)

I've been restless more so than not lately.  It makes me nervous because that's usually when my worst decisions are made...not really worst, I guess, but most rash.  I need change so much that I have done everything from shaving my head to moving my room around at 2am to moving to a different place entirely.  Once something is in my head, I can't seem to get it out and all I can think about these days is moving.  I'm trying not to make a rash decision so that I don't regret it but this boredom and restlessness is really wearing me down.

Curtain Down

Another ending of another show. It's bittersweet. I miss the days when I did theatre and didn't have to work all day before. It's interesting what can happen as the years go by. You look up from the life you've been living day to day and realize that you've become the old person in the show. It has been fantastic working with all the kids and I feel like I have a renewed love for the theatre. I haven't done something I'm so proud of in a really long time. Theatre is alive a kicking in Logan, WV. New blood has arrived. See everyone next year.

“Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends.”

I think about my old friends, a couple in particular, and I wonder how we grew so far apart. And though they most likely won't see this...I miss you all. :-)

Focus

I've been trying to write something on here for days but I can't seem to get my mind to focus long enough for one train of thought. So I'm laying in bed, listening to Bette Midler (judge me), trying to clear my mind and get some sleep but sleep doesn't seem interested. I have no focus...just flailing about...

I AM...

"I Am"

I am timid and
I am oversensitive
I am a lioness
I am tired and defensive
You take me in your arms
And I fall into you
I have insecurities
You show me I am beautiful

Love me or leave me
Just take it or leave it
It's not that I'm needy
Just need you to see me

Take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

Mmmm...

I am temperamental and
I have imperfections and
I am emotional
I am unpredictable
I am naked
I am vulnerable
I am a woman
I am opening up to you

Love me or leave me
Just take it or leave it
It's not that I'm needy
Just need you to see me

Take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

Now I stand before you with my heart in my hands
I'm asking you to take me just the way that I am
Please lay down your arms, do you know me?
Make me feel safe from harm

Take me, free me, see through to the core of me
Take me, free me, there will be no more pretending

I am temperamental and
I have imperfections and
I am emotional
There'll be no more pretending

Mmhmm...

A Cinderella Story

Tonight is the last night of Cinderella at Chief Logan State Park and it got me thinking about how time marches on, even when we're not paying attention. Suddenly instead of being the awkward kid doing high kicks and staying in the back, I'm 30 years old and trying to get as much attention as I possibly can.

The kids in the show are like we were when we did the show back in 98'. They're forming these bonds with each other and with what they will hopefully remember as their 'home theatre'. It's amazing to think of where we are now and where they will end up. I met some of my best friends on that stage and even though many of us don't talk as much as we used to if you put us together now it would be as if no time has passed. The fights or disagreements we may have had are all part of the tapestry and history of our individual TAS experiences. I encourage all the kids to make their own tapestries and to be proud of them. Put yourselves out on a limb, take whatever part is offered to you and make it huge, in life and on stage. Enjoy your time because before you know it, you'll be missing these simpler times.

I don't think of Cinderella without thinking of that summer, 13 years ago, and how it changed me. I love my TAS family new and old and look forward to seeing where the new generation of the theatre end up.

Now on to the Jungle Book!

Withering

To continue being friends with people in our past effort has to be put in from both sides or the relationship withers and dies.

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That Depressing Mix

I think I make one of the most depressing mixes I've ever heard. Feel free to add to it as you see fit. This is the shorter mix from my iPhone.

Walls

I found a quote yesterday and I haven't been able to get it out of my head...

"The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy." - Jim Rohn

I've built major walls because of fear. I've always built walls in one way or another. When I was younger I built walls so people wouldn't know who I really was because I was afraid if they found out they wouldn't stick around. I tore down some of those walls but then I started getting into relationships and started building more walls. I started changing myself because I was afraid if I wasn't who someone wanted me to be they would leave, never thinking that the person I am is why they were with me in the first place. My walls have ruined relationships for me and I regret it. I found myself trying to build walls against someone recently because it was too hard to feel the way I felt when I talked to him or thought of him. You have to feel the bad to get to the good sometimes. So I'm trying to just let myself feel the way I feel, slobber cries and all, and just hope the good will come...

Buyers Remorse

Well...I just paid $300 for an iPhone 4 and instantly regretted it. lol
I'm actually a little sick from it. I decided to just go ahead and buy it and if I don't like it I can probably get what I paid out of it at least...it won't be shipped until at least the 18th so we'll just be waiting...

The future

I used to look at the future and see so many things. Love, 'marriage', maybe even kids. But now, when I look to the future it's just blank. I don't see anything...

You Can't Make Me Feel Better

I hate it when someone tries to make me feel better by saying all the things they think I'm good at. It doesn't help me and generally has no baring on why I'm upset at the time. I've been feeling...not myself lately and apparently it's been noticeable. It seems as the years go on it becomes harder and harder for me to hide my emotions...to pretend I'm OK. That doesn't mean I want someone to try and console me. It just means there are things I need to think about and sometimes I just like to wallow in my mistakes.

Sometimes we just realize things too late. It takes just about all I have these days not to send emails that I want to send so I try to just write it down and put it away. Am I afraid of the answer? Yes. Do I want to hurt what's been built back up? No.

Maybe it's just that these type of holiday's are the hardest. Who knows.

Drinking

Drinking...

Except for about 2 yrs off in my 20's I've been drinking for 10 years...
Why do I do it?
Why do any of us do it?

Escape?
Numbness?

There's a sense of powerfulness and powerlessness at the same time. The feeling that you can do anything but when you do it's not always the best decision...

Do I want to stop or do I feel like I should want to stop?
Can I be out and have a good time if I don't drink?
How do I stop when I'm always in the middle of a party or some sort of gathering?
How do I stop when I don't have the will power?

Do I want to stop?

Smile

I play the circus clown around my friends
Make them laugh and they won't see
That you never let them see you sweat
Don't want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord knows it's killing me

So I put on my make-up
Put a smile on my face
And if anyone asks me
Everything is okay
I'm laughing cause no one
Knows the joke is on me
Cause I'm dying inside
With my pride and a smile
On my face

For Me

I don't want to date someone who is desperate to be in a relationship. How do you know if they're in it for you or they're in it because they don't want to be alone....

Where's the art?

I used to be surrounded by the arts and now it seems like I'm so far removed from it I can barely remember how it feels to sweat under the hot lights in a three sided room that I helped build. As I lay awake last night, unable to sleep for whatever reason I started thinking about my job and how sometimes it feels like a never ending circle with no conclusion. It's almost like I start over each month with the same set of tasks and demands. I enjoy my job and the people there are like my family. I also enjoy all the things I am able to do because of my job but there's no art in it. Maybe it's up to me to find the art in it. I don't know. With theatre you have a beginning and an eventual end even if it's sometimes bittersweet. I miss it...

I think I'm getting a little bit of cabin fever with my life...

Don't You Remember?

When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said
No final kiss to seal anything
I had no idea of the state we were in.

I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head

But don't you remember, don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby please remember me once more.

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memories?
Cause I often think about where I happen to roam.
You more I do, the less I know.

But I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head.

But don't you remember, don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby please remember me once more.

Ohhhh

I gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
I hope that you find the missing piece
To bring you back to me.

Why don't you remember, don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby please remember you used to love me.

When will I see you again?

everything...

It meant everything to me
Now it means everything to someone else...